Norm!

Yesterday, I felt like Norm from Cheers. I went into the Landmark Center, and I had five people, including the center manager, shouting my name, all happy to see me. It was, to be honest, more than a little weird. Later on, I went back to give a cd to my friend Grace, and it was the same, with Grace jumping up out of her chair to give me a hug, before she even knew I had the cd I'd promised her two months ago. I was trying to get in and out really fast, but there were all of these people to say hi to and all. I like it, but it's weird....

Landmark... Where everybody knows your name!

The Power of Pussy pt.3 aka Waiting to Inhale

There we saw the following: Linoleum floor, dirty. Bunk Beds. Window with no covering. Shared bathroom with the entire floor. I'm talking former shitty apartment here, for the unbelieveable price of $55 a night. While figuring out how to make the best of this situation, NYC quite calmly looks at me and says, "We are not staying here." in a voice far too reserved for the situation. What she was referring to was a mouse that had run across the floor. She pointed, and I saw the little germ infested vermin actually hanging out, and waiting for us to turn off the light, so he could call Ben and a cast of thousands to straight jack us as we slept.This was exactly what we did not need in this Day of Failure.

So, we get on the phone to expedia to plead our case, and they are not at all sympathetic. First NYC goes at them, while I check with other hotel chains I use for business. After a bit, I see her frustration, and get her to hand me the phone. She puts me on the phone with Brad. Poor Brad. I have had quite a day already, and this snot-nosed kid starts woofing "procedure" at me. I hit him, and I hit him hard. I used my "I travel all the time, goddammit, and I do not take kindly to the word no." voice, and beat him like he stole something. A quote. "I do not think it would be a good idea to try and charge us a change fee when I am looking at Mickey Fucking Mouse, and he's looking back at me like I'm dinner! Are you sure you want to treat a customer in this fashion?"

We ended up at the Hudson Hotel, a very chic pile of bricks. It was a whole lot more money than we were prepared to shell out, but it was worth it. It was the complete opposite of where we had been, and I could finally relax in a clean environment with room service and our own bathroom, far from mice, dirty floors, bunk beds, and the power of pussy.

W.I.T.E. R.A.P.P.E.R.Z.

I am sorry to interrupt your usually scheduled episode of "The Power Of Pussy", with this important message.

Last night, I went to the Anger Management Tour. In my next life, I wanna be a White Rapper. Sure, to be a good one, like M&M, you have to pay dues like anyone else, go through the battling, and being an unknown and all of that. Then you get "lucky" and someone established like Dre decides he can make money off of you, and puts you on. Bang! Zoom! Suddenly, you are the "Best Rapper in the World!" Despite those who came before you, the ones who created what you now have to be able to call your career, despite all of those who are way more talented than you except they do not share your skin color and therefore are not as inherently marketable to the walmart crowd.

In other words, If Eminem was not all angry and Aryan, he would be done already like Black Sheep, clever lyrics or no. By allowing Eminem and the Beastie Boys to get respect in the game, we once again have to be three times as good, just to beconsidered on par with these modern day Elvises.

The Power Of Pussy pt.2

So we entered her apartment to the beeping of her voicemail. The message? "We would like you to know that your cat Rita tried to kill the groomer and uh... well, we will give you another carrier for your third cat, and so, we'd like for you to pick up your demon spawn cats as soon as possible." I for one was gutted. I am highly allergic to animal dander, yet I hate taking medication. Things got so bad for me during the Isis crisis, that I took some Sudafed against my better judgement. It was kicking in when we hit the door, and after the message, all I was able to manage was a few muttered obcenities, before passing out in a drug and hard lemonade induced coma. Poor, sweet thoughtful, NYC sprang into action, and booked us into a hotel for the rest of my stay. When I came to, it was all settled, and all we had to do was pack up our crap and bring home the three kittens of the apocalypse. We got the cats, and while walking them home, were subjected to choruses of oohs and ahhs from people who thought these cat-sassins were cute. we bring them inside, set them free, and packed and got the hell outta dodge before the lynchin' began.

We jump into a cab and head to Central Park West. I pronounce this day "the day of failure", and NTN (NYC's secret nickname) says the damning and dooming phrase, "I think we're past it all now. WHAT CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG NOW?" She then tells me that we are going to a hotel she found for only $55 dollars a night. A chill ran down my spine at this point, and I tried to imagine what sort of place in Manhattan goes for ONLY $55? I tried to think happy thoughts, but I kept coming back to "$55 a night?" As we rode, I managed to put away my worried feelings, and think positively...

We get to the "hotel", which has no bellstaff I notice right away, since I am the one who has to lug my extremely overpacked suitcase up the stairs to this place. At first blush, the lobby seems nice, and there are lots of magazines and such, neatly stacked, and enticing me to read them. The guy at the front desk, however, was, to be charitable, a bit thick. The woman checking in before us had a very hard time getting him to find her reservation. It took 10 minutes, and he was the only game in town, so we waited for the same treatment to be bestowed upon us as well. Finally, we get up to the room, and the hall way is pretty scary. One of the terms of our cheap rent was sharing a restroom with 2-3 other rooms. A quick look at the hallway proved that we were to share with the entire floor. The door took some serious muscling to get open, which NTN provided. We opened the door and switched on the lights...(to be continued)

The Power Of Pussy

I never thought there could be a problem such as too much pussy, but I have been to the mountain top. Trust me, you don't want to go there! I had to deal with not one, not two, but three Hairborne Rangers. Of course you realize I am speaking of NYC's CAT collection. The girl has three hirsute agents of Painful Puni death. She is a sweet kid, really. She took REALLY good care of me, and she is the bomb. But what is up with THREE cats, one of which has longer dreads than me! I will now sketch for you the DAY OF FAILURE.

The day of failure started nicely enough. We left Brooklyn at the crack of ass, trekking on the subway. I jumped off to get tickets for Shakespeare in the park, once again, while NYC went on to her apartment. Her mission? To gather up her three cats and take them to the groomer so they could be shaved and bathed in hopes of making them less offensive to my allergies. After waiting in line for exactly four minutes, I was told by a staff member that I would not be able to get the tickets yet again, so I headed to NYC's flat to help her with the furballs. FAILURE #1

I meet up with her after she has dropped off two of the three cats, and we go up to her apartment with a now empty cat carrier. Unfortunately for us, the cat that had been inside earlier, left fear drool inside the carrier, and my new friend, Isis, knew immediately that something bad was going to happen if she got inside. From 11am to 3:30pm, we battled with Isis, finally getting her into the cage. My little frined had lost blood, and considerable standing with her cat during the battle, and I was very proud of her for her bravery. So far this looks like victory, doesn't it? It did to us! We high-fived, dropped her at the groomers, and got celebratory hotdogs and libations. Shut up. Anyway, we were in great spirits even though we were way behind schedule. (to be continued)

To Slouch or not to slouch

I am getting a back massage here in NYC by NYC. I know, some people have a shitty existence... Not me today! Hate me if you want, I don't care! So... tried to get into Shakespeare in the Park, today and we wuz too late for to get a ticket. So, tomorrow, we get up early and stand in line like idiots all day to get free tickets to see Julia Stiles reallly stretch, and play a guy.

The flight here was great! Jet Blue is the bomb! They really appreciate your business, and the planes are spacious. I was able to be quite happy in a middle seat for 5 hours. As most of you know I am not exactly a waif, so that is a major breakthrough for me. They almost seem to feel bad about not serving actual food, so they are constanty offering snacks. Blue Potato Chips and Chocolate-Chip Biscotti!?! And yes, Subverve, I had Bloody Mary Mix! The best part of all besides the price was the free DirecTV. I actually had a hard time sleeping with all of the goodies going on, and this was a red-eye flight. We were late taking off by an hour, but other than that, it was awesome, and that had absolutely nothing to do with the 30 high school-age girls soccer team members also onboard.

Went out to Jersey to see the final show of the Smokin' Grooves Tour, and it looked like everyone was glad to be ending the roadie. Standouts included Jurassic 5, and Cee-Lo, The Roots put on a very professional set, but it seemed kind of clinical, and the really didn't connect with the audience. Lauryn pretty much sprinted through her songs, without the meaningful pauses her Unplugged cds had. I just don't get Outkast. They have lots of hits, but I feel like I'm watching a long form malt liquor comercial while watching them perform. I like fish and grits, tho'!